Another hilarious post from my co-worker L. Doesn’t she need her own blog? I love her writing. Completely hysterical. I received this “blog entry” in an e-mail on Friday afternoon. I don’t think I have ever laughed so hard for so long. My eyeliner ran, causing raccoon eyes, I ran to the back to try and clean it up – which ended up in me having to actually head to the washroom and “clean up”. Oh it was messy. Then each time I thought of this post I started laughing extraordinarily hard again. It was painful. I had stomach pains from laughing so hard. Get your tissues out, and enjoy. ;)
So some of you may remember me from my previous guest blog appearance, “my mystic tan experience”. So, Nancy has been kind enough to offer me another kick at the cat, so to speak…so, here you have it, enjoy.
Oh, btw. I must warn you there may be a smidge of TMI in this one. And again, in true McMomsie style, it’s a long blog. Ok, you’ve been warned. Moving on.
So, I’m sure if you indulge in Nancy’s blog then perhaps you are yourself a fitness guru. Not a guru? ok me neither. But I do like to partake in fitness, and in particular running.
And, I do have a few races under my belt. Ok, by a few I mean one “real” race. I ran a 10 k back in the fall, but let me tell you I am a dedicated “trainer” and when the weather isn’t so cold it freezes my nose-hairs to the insides of my nostrils, i usually go out 2-3 times a week.
So, back in the summer I was in a particularly adventurous mood. “Hubs” I said to my man, “I’m going to aim for 8-10 km as my goal today.” Hubs smiled and gave me that cute wink he gives me when he doesn’t want to burst my bubble that my statement may fall short, because of course by default, he must be my #1 cheerleader. Now, let me say, this day in question, was a very hot day in September. Freakishly warm! The neighbors were all out milling about. Having drinks, playing with the many kiddies on our circle. Hubs was “washing the car”…again, and chatting up one of our good friends, also our neighbor, in the driveway. I wave as I start my venture, and off I go. Now, I live in a beautiful little section of Waterloo that is separated from the rest of the world by 1 bridge. Yes, no getting in or out of our ‘hood, without crossing. Its a lovely heritage bridge, and is frequented by many a person out for a stroll on such a lovely day. OK, so I am well on my way running at this point, and I have drank several of my tiny water bottles that I have on my runbelt. 6KM down, and I am feeling strong. I come to the “descent” of my trip around this point, and I have to put on the breaks as I venture down a particularly tall hill. Now did I mention I had consumed a fair amount of water, it was hot…what else was I supposed to do. So, I’ve only got about 2km to get back to my house. SO, I figure I’m ok, I can “hold it” till then.
But half way down the hill, and I know I mentioned in my last blog, two babies later…
Nope. We got a situation.
“oh my gawd” I actually uddered this, out loud. I just peed my pants!
Ahhh, I am such a clutz. I was bursting so much, that I piddled mid stride! “what the heck am I gonna do!?” Ok, I tell myself. Be calm, maybe if I run with an attention to keeping my thighs held together no one will notice. Who is looking at me anyway? “HONK”….oK, so that guy may have noticed. But I convince myself he is honking at my long flowing blond hair. Yeah, right.
And to make it worse … I chose today of all days to sport my lovely new light grey lulu crops. HELLO, hot sweaty day…what was I thinking. Now add the tiny bladder malfunction, and we are talking full discoloration in the inner thigh area. This is bad.
Ok, so as a side note…you know how when you don’t want someone to notice something, you feel like Everyone’s eyes are just automatically drawn to it. YEP, that’s how I was feeling. The two teenagers with the skateboards, yeah they for sure just gave me a dirty look. Oh no, those people in the truck driving by, they were pointing, I’m sure of it. What, oh goodness…did that grandmother just turn her grandchild’s head the other way while walking by me! I’m an embarrassment to the neighborhood. OH GAWD the neighborhood! I still have to make it across the bridge and back home.
I CAN NOT bare the horror of Gavin & Natalie who live on the block with their perfectly manicured lawn and always blooming flowers knowing my little blunder. So, on to plan B, ditch the honour of running the 8 miles, I gotta dry my drawers.
But, I would have to walk around for hours before these babies dry on their own. So, what’s a girl to do???
I improvise. “If I cant dry the ‘area in question’, then i must get the rest of my pants wet so to blend all the evidence into the same colour.” Yep, you read right. I was serious and on the hunt for a garden hose.
But I’m no hoodlum who has the nerve to sneak into someone elses back yard. So I had to solve the pee-pee pant problem another way. Well, I happen to be blessed with the privilege of living near the grand river. Hmmm, this could work.
Yes folks, I was seriously thinking about hopping in. But that just seemed a little drastic. So I hang a right at the bridge, still full of people, whose eyes are “in my mind” glued to my vajayjay! And I duck onto the foot path that meanders into the forest along the river.
Coast is clear…I’m in a particularly thickly treed area, no other people…now’s my chance.
So, i scale down the embankment ( yes, i forgot to mention the path is raised several feet above the river) And my feet are slipping and sliding on the sandy rocky incline. Seriously, I’m imagining in my mind tomorrows newspaper reading “girl found, with pee-pee pants and grass stains, footing lost in the loose gravel, left baking in the sun, unconscious along the rivers edge” I would be that girl. Ok, hang on to the weeds and branches, almost there…
So I land at the edge of the water and am immediately boggled at what my actual plan is. No time for thinking, this was my chance remember no people no… Wait, at this angle of the bank I’m in plain view of the bridge that’s only about 2 blocks to my left. Oh man, all this over a tiny slip of the blad!!! Ok, I kick off my shoes. Still no one around. I close my eyes, and I do it. I whip off my lulu’s and am now bare assed to the air. I’m laughing out loud at this point at my ridiculousness, and my heart is pounding a mile a minute from adrenaline. I’m like a half naked extraverted excuse for a marathoner. Seriously, this has felt like a full climb-swim-run-a-thon.
So I’m there, and I dunk the drawers into the river water. Success. They are now an even colour of dark grey. Phew. But now i have to ring out the water. Without getting dowsed all over. Ok, let’s not forget, I am still half naked, and perched on a rock along side the river, just meters away for the rest of civilization.
So, I go to slip my crops back on, when low and behold, my foot is stuck in the inside. You know, like how it’s impossible to get into a wet tee shirt. This also holds true to pants. Which I unfortunately realized while in the buff at the river, hopping on one foot. “HONK” Whats this, can someone really see me form the bridge!! Oh the horror. So, I push and jump, and I get through it. Gross! Now I’m wearing cold, drenched, murky river watered down peepee pants. But, the spot is completely undetectable! So, I fumble on all fours back to the top of the embankment, and stand successfully hands on hips with a smirk of success on my face. I hear voices off in the distance, around then bend, or somewhere up the path. So, with a new found bounce to my stride, I get the heck out of there, and head the rest of the way home. I bound down my court, smiling at Mrs Smith, and Mr Jones. If they only knew I was just bare bummed by the bay only moments earlier.
Yes I think to myself, I am woman, hear me roar! I got through my mishap. I turned into my driveway and nodded to Hubs with a toothy grin. “How was it” he and the neighbor friend ask. Oh, “the usual” I reply. “Quite freeing!”
So, bloggers I leave you with this unforgettable quote from one of my favorite Adam Sandler movies (circa 1995) “If peeing yourself is cool, then consider me Miles Davis!”