Opening up

Ever miss someone so bad, that you literally cannot stop thinking about them every single hour of your day? I’m not sure what to do about it. It distracts me from school, and work. Sometimes, I don’t understand why exactly. I guess that’s one of the suckiest parts of life.

There isn’t anything I can do about it. I’m a very private person when it comes to deep serious feelings. I don’t even tell my best friends about things that I really, deeply think about. If I like someone, I get shy. If someone likes me, I get afraid.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t have schooling, or money to worry about. A girl in my class told me that should could picture me back packing around the world.

I can really relate to her thoughts. I can totally imagine myself backpacking, alone.. travelling to Africa, Greece, New Zealand. All alone. It doesn’t even scare me thinking about it anymore. Maybe it’s because I was afraid to leave my loved ones. It’s why I don’t like getting attached to people anymore. People move away. Your best friends move away, and eventually you loose contact, no matter how hard you try… you do loose contact. Yes, you can perhaps talk once a month, maybe once a year. But that’s not good enough for me. I hate loosing friends, and maybe that’s why I’m feeling so outgoing but private at the same time lately. The past two or three years I’ve been taking things slow, and not getting into serious relationships / friends. I don’t want my friends to move away and forget about me.

Johanna is leaving for British Columbia, in three months. We started hanging out around 2004. She goes out of her way to do things for you. I got attached to her, and she’s now a REALLY good friend of mine. But. She is moving away to B.C and doesn’t even know if she’s coming back. Yea, she told me to come visit, but really now. Where am I going to find the time, or money to do that?

This summer, my parents and I are going over to Ireland to visit my Brother who I haven’t seen in a year or two. I’ll be in school by September and in 2006 I’m going over to England for a Graduating school trip. Jenna.. another really good friend of mine, has been travelling back and fourth to B.C and here since 2002 I think it was. Anyway, we’ve lost contact too. She’s in Newfoundland now, until April. Then is going to take off again to B.C where the love of her life is. I don’t blame her for doing that, hell I would do that too. Things just haven’t really been the same with us, since she’s been moving back and forth. Probably mainly because I’ve been backing off. It really hurts when your friends move out of your life. I don’t want to feel that again. I feel extremly bad for not hanging out as much as I should.. and want. But it’s something that I do, and have to do in order to keep myself “normal”.

For those who do not know. My Father has been ill since August. My short term memory has been pretty much gone since then. I don’t really remember much since August. I’ve been keeping to myself and family, since then. Except for the climbing business 3 to 4 days a week. But other than that.. I don’t really do a hell of a lot. Wow. I can’t beleive i’m spilling my guts like this. Kudos to those who’ve read this far. Feel good. I’m off… cause this is weird. Lates…

P.S: By the way, my old host Robyn from jolting.net has a new site. It’s been like a year Robyn?! Jebus. I’m glad you’re back up on the web. Hopefully next time we see eachother we won’t be so shy, and actually talk to one another. haha. It’s happened! It can happen again.

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